Contributed by Neka Scarbrough .......

How To Sing The Blues

Most Blues begin, "Woke up this mornin'..."

1. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin
the blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the
next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."

2. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line
right, repeat it.  Then find something that rhymes ...
sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yeah, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she  weigh
500 pound."

3. The Blues ain't about choice. You stuck in a ditch,
you stuck in a  ditch -- ain't no way out.

4. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-
down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or
Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an'
> state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin'.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.

5. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to
die yet. Adults  sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood"
means being old enough to get the 'lectric chair if you
shoot a man in Memphis.

6. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in
Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis
or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago,
St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have
the Blues. You can't have the Blues in any place that don't
get  rain.

7. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg
'cause you skiing ain't the blues.  Breaking your leg 'cause
a alligator be chompin' on it is.

8. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall.
The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by
the dumpster.

9. Good places for the Blues:  a. highway,  b. jailhouse, 
c. empty bed,  d. bottom of a whiskey glass. 
Bad places:  a. Dillard's,  b. gallery openings,  c. Ivy League
institutions,  d. golf courses.

10. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a
suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you
sleep in it.

11. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? 
Yes, if:  a. you older than  dirt,  b. you blind,  c. you shot
a man in Memphis,  d. you can't be satisfied. 
No, if:  a. you have all your teeth,  b. you were once blind
but now can see,  c. the man in Memphis lived,  d. you have
a 401K or trust fund.

12. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of
bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny
Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

13. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline,
it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:  a. cheap
wine,  b. whiskey or bourbon,  c. muddy water,  d. nasty black coffee. The following are  NOT Blues beverages:  a. Perrier, 
b. Chardonnay,  c. Snapple,  d. Slim Fast.

14. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack,
it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover
is another Blues way to die. So's the 'lectric chair, substance
abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have
a Blues death if you die during a tennis match
or getting liposuction.

15. Some Blues names for women:  a. Sadie,  b. Big Mama, 
c. Bessie,  d.  Fat River Dumpling. Some Blues names for men: 
a. Joe,  b. Willie,  c. Little Willie,  d. Big Willie.

16. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, Heather, Gerhard, or Heath can't sing the Blues no matter how many men
they shoot in Memphis.

17. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:  a. name of
physical infirmity  (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.),  b. first name
(see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.), 
c. last name of President (Jefferson,  Johnson, Filmore, etc.).
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson
or Cripple Kiwi Filmore, etc. (Okay, well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer,
you cannot sing the Blues. I guess that takes care of most of us here.